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What not to say to someone grieving

27 Jan 2016

Watching someone you love who is grieving the death of a family member, friend or spouse is an awful thing to go through, but so often, it’s hard to know how to effectively support them.

"Often people who are trying to offer support say things like ‘Whatever I can do, let me know’, but when someone is grieving, they won’t know what they want. There is so much emotion and high-level stress it knocks out the part of the brain that deals with planning,” explains Dr Jay Spence.

Here’s what not to say to someone who is grieving and how you should support them instead.

Don’t avoid them

Often people think that those who are grieving may want to be left alone and not interrupted. However, research has shown that social interaction is a crucial factor in someone’s recovery from grief, says Dr Spence. So continue inviting them to social activities, but don’t be offended if they sometimes decide to stay at home.

Don’t offer spiritual or religious explanations

You may mean well, but saying things like ‘They’re in a better place’ or offering comparisons between the past and present does not make someone who is grieving feel any better.

Don’t say, ‘I know how you feel’

Every grieving process is unique. Now is not the time to tell your friend what part of the 12-step grieving process he or she should be in.

“The important thing is not to think that grief is meant to follow a process. Everybody will go through their own thing. I’ve seen people grieve without shedding a single tear but taking up the same hobby as the person who died,” says Dr Spence. "I’ve seen those who were constantly crying and inconsolable and after a week, they remembered that person with love and gratitude. There is no roadmap that needs to be followed."

Don’t say, ‘They lived a really long life’ or ‘At least they’re no longer suffering’

This will do nothing but make your friend feel worse, like their feelings aren’t being acknowledged, advises counsellor and grief recovery specialist Amanda Lambros.

Do listen

It’s really important that rather than trying to constantly offer advice, that you simply listen to your friend and cope with their emotions. Sometimes that’s all someone needs, says Dr Spence.

“The good thing is that sometimes the person will come up with their own insights if they’re given the time and space to do it. Show that you’re strong enough to listen to them without being completely overwhelmed and trying to constantly step in, console or advise,” he says.

As Amanda explains, ‘Listen with your heart, not your head.’

Offer to help with chores

Depending on how close you are to your friend, you may be able to help him or her manage day-to-day activities, from cooking meals to dealing with the legal side of matters, minding their pets or helping them pack things up in the home.

Be honest

It’s OK if you don’t have all the answers to your friend’s problems. It’s OK to say, ‘I can’t imagine how devastated you must be’ rather than claiming that you know how they feel.

Do offer a hug

When words fail, simply offer a supportive shoulder to cry on and a hug.